My Pillowbook.

Happy Holidays/ Hanukkah/ All other lovely good wishes!

2008-12-24T19:23:25Z

To all my lj friends who have read, listened to all my ranting, emotional outbursts, icon related stuff and just basically being an amazing set of friends who I never thought I'd have. Just to say I hope you all have an amazing time off, get good pressies and give a few good ones, for you to just relax and not feel forced to be happy when you don't feel like it and not to feel bad when christmas day doesn't look like something out of a film but to just be happy and content in your own way.

President Obama

2008-11-05T15:18:27Z

I woke up this morning with excitment and anticipation a bit like Christmas morning. I was excited because I knew what the possibilty could and would be but there was a small part of me thinking that something must have gone wrong. Outside didn't seem any different but it felt like something profound had happened. It was only when I opened my laptop with the BBC page still up from last night that I knew. I watched with my mouth wide open, yes this does in fact happen as the blue and red bars chased each other across the screen both neck and neck and then suddeneley the red bar stopped and the blue kept going and going until it got past 300 votes. I sat there mouth still open stunned and so so happy. I only felt I could properly celebrate when I saw that McCain had relinquished his race for President of the USA.

I then proceeded to watch Obama's victory speech which moved me to tears to the point where I couldn't speak. It seemed like such an amazing, out of this world possibility that a Democrat would not only be in the White House but that an African American. A man who believes in for ideals, liberty and opportunity for all. I believe this was one of his best speeches not because of the circumstances but because it shouwed humility and the reality that we still have a long way to go and the truth that there isn't red states and blue states, but one United States of America.

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer."

"This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

As I was going through the photos of celebration I came across one of Rev Jesse Jackson and I think that moved me more than anything. His face seemed to be a mix of elation, happiness, sadness and relief. And I thought what must he be feeling? A man who protested with Dr Martin Luther King, who heared his famous 'I have a dream' speech, who watched when both King and JFK were assassinated, who has campaigned for equality throughout his life. He must have been feeling that yes, it was worth and yes Martin Luther King's dream has come true.

I am excited and hopeful and I finally know now that I have chosen the right degree because its the perfect time to become interested in politics and world affairs. It's also given the optimism as a woman that anything is possible. That my views are worth listening to and the top of the mountain isn't just reserved for white middle class men.

I'll end on this quote from the Guardian,

"It is 45 years since Martin Luther King, in the greatest of all late 20th century American speeches looked forward to a day when his children would not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character. Almost unbelievably that dream has now become a reality."

carmencat6 @ 2008-07-29T20:50:00

2008-07-29T19:59:57Z

As most of you know I go to see a counsellor and I've found that I'm not going to be able to see her for a month because of building work. So I have to wait until September which I know isn't that long but I don't know when I'll be able to see her then because I'll be working and studying part time at uni. It's really ironic because the past few times I've been to see I haven't really been able to open up and now when I actually need to see her I can't. I'm so upset. I don't really have anyone to talk and my friends who I love to pieces, don't seem to really understand what I'm going through. Not that I expect everyone who has to listen to me to be as messed up as I am but I'd appreciate some empathy. I always try to understand them. I dunno maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much of people. I just could really do with seeing her as things at home or rather things with my mum are tense, my dad hasn't been in contact again and one of good friends who had the same stuff I have to deal with has left.

At the moment I'm very behind with my OU work. I had an exam a few weeks ago and because I spent the entire time stressing about it I didn't realize I was meant be starting my next module so now I'm like a week behind starting the next one. I have an essay to finish which I think I've done. I have next week off so I'm going to really try and catch up then.

Have seriously no money. I keep going into my overdraft, which I know is my fault but mainly the fact I get paid nothing. I had nearly paid off my credit card but then my mum was in trouble this month so I had to help out so now I've had to tear it up and pay off bits. I know as long as you pay off a certain amount it helps each month I just hate to have it lingering over me. Again another thing my friends don't get. Like if we out at lunchtime they'll just have free toast from work to eat whereas if I don't make mine I end buying salad from m&s. Then one day I said jokingly I reckon I'd be better off as a student and my friend was like well you'd have to get used not buying stuff m&s!! I don't have the security of two parents, a holiday every year, knowing that if something went wrong I'd be bailed out ( I mean I'm sure they would but... ) and just because I have to buy my lunch from somewhere a bit expensive I get that. I think I'm entitled a few extra nice things to make up for the missed holidays and the security.

I find myself lacking any kind of emotion for anyone. Obviously if my friends are really upset then I'll do anything for them but as soon as anyone wants something or comes across needy in anyway I freak and just become really rude and blunt. I find myself doing this at home with my mum. I don't like doing it. But I'm just so resentful towards her and I know it's not all her fault and my dad is to blame for the financial situation. If I like someone and they engage in a serious conversation I can't deal with it and end up cracking a joke despite the fact inside I'm really romantic and emotional. I never cry or show my true feelings in public.

Erghh!!! This post is all over the place but it needs to be let out in some way.

I'm angry with myself that the two friend I know who have family problems just accept it and can get on with it but I carry on hoping that it will change and still being emotionally hurt by things my mum and dad do. I feel like an adult in some senses but in others I don't. I'd love to go thats it I've had enough but then I think there might be a point when I'll need my mum one day. And for some reason I feel guilty that my parents lives didn't work out the way they wanted, which makes me unhappy. And then I feel about me so insecure and annoying and that everything I do annoys people. I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't if I'm me at work or with my friends or when I'm at home or maybe ME doesn't exist. It's horrible..

Take Action For The Women of Juarez

2008-07-14T17:38:22Z

Amnesty
International USA

Watch Bordertown and Take Action to End the Femicides in Mexico and Guatemala

Some films have the power to educate and prompt people to act. Amnesty International is proud to support Bordertown, starring Jennifer Lopez. This film tells the story of a reporter who is sent to Juarez, a city gripped with fear where hundreds of women have been brutally raped and murdered. Visit Amnesty's website and learn more about the film and find out how you can take action to end the killings of women in Mexico and Guatemala. »

carmencat6 @ 2006-12-06T20:20:00

2006-12-06T20:20:46Z

Hey had a horrible day at work. The managements been in mass panic as some head librarian is retiring and the partys happening in Blackwells', why I don't know. So all the displays I did got redone, all the shelving I did got redone and we had to peel off old stickers to replace with the new ones. Completely pointless, I'm mean whats the point in me working and then it being taken apart. Also got excused today of not being sick cos apparently my doctors certificate didn't match the dates when I was off absent. Plus the woman I work with was off on monday cos she had a stomach bug but stupidly decided to come in on tuesday and insisted on breathing all over. So now I'm completely paranoid that I have it too, which is not what I need now cos a)I've been sick twice in a row, b) I have seducing to so c) I hate stomach things more than anything c)The xmas party where I will hopefully get my xmas wish fulfilled. Am trying to keep positive and have taken as many slippery elm as I can get my hands on.

Though I did have an amazing time at work, re relationships. Will discuss later.

The weirdness.

2006-11-26T21:15:09Z

Was online and fuckwit popped up asking whether I was talking or not. So, maybe this was dumb, I put across my feelings as to why I stopped talking. He then said he wasn't talking about me so I said you weren't being friendly to start off with and didn't seem like you wanted to engage in any kind of convo. So he said he did. I then told him that the only convo he wanted to engage in was whether I had engaged in any sexual acts with anyone. He disappeared, then (this is weird) someone called Claree popped up under his email and said hi, then disappeared. Am confused. But it was funny to see him go quiet.

carmencat6 @ 2006-11-11T18:29:00

2006-11-11T18:29:27Z

Just had completely horrible misogynistic conversation with H(FUCKWIT)which I will now post:
hi, sorry i disappeared the other day. how are you?
11/11/2006 17:03:50 Harry Emily what are you on about dissappeared?
11/11/2006 17:04:23 Emily Harry i was online and so were you and you messaged me and i didn't reply
11/11/2006 17:05:58 Harry Emily oh
11/11/2006 17:05:58 Harry Emily no owrries
11/11/2006 17:05:58 Harry Emily i dont even remember
11/11/2006 17:06:31 Emily Harry oh okay
11/11/2006 17:10:10 Emily Harry what you been up to?
11/11/2006 17:12:23 Harry Emily nm
11/11/2006 17:12:24 Harry Emily u?
11/11/2006 17:12:54 Emily Harry just working and applying for UCAS
11/11/2006 17:19:07 Harry Emily kk
11/11/2006 17:30:23 Emily Harry Are you applying for UCAS this year?
11/11/2006 17:30:37 Harry Emily nope
11/11/2006 17:31:36 Emily Harry u got alot of school work?
11/11/2006 17:31:41 Harry Emily nope
11/11/2006 17:31:43 Harry Emily you?
11/11/2006 17:32:12 Emily Harry no, luckily no longer at school anymore
11/11/2006 17:32:23 Harry Emily oh
11/11/2006 17:32:25 Harry Emily my mistake
11/11/2006 17:32:48 Emily Harry tho i kind of wish i was, as work isn't that exciting
11/11/2006 17:33:29 Emily Harry and at least at school your learning things and its interesting
11/11/2006 17:35:11 Emily Harry u up to anything else?
11/11/2006 17:35:14 Emily Harry hockey?
11/11/2006 17:35:17 Harry Emily nope
11/11/2006 17:35:32 Harry Emily u?
11/11/2006 17:35:44 Emily Harry not a lot.
11/11/2006 17:35:58 Emily Harry tho am going to a concert in december, which should be fun
11/11/2006 17:36:40 Harry Emily thats in quite a while
11/11/2006 17:37:09 Emily Harry yeah but its something to look forward to.
11/11/2006 17:37:39 Emily Harry you doing anything for xmas?
11/11/2006 17:37:44 Harry Emily nope
11/11/2006 17:37:45 Harry Emily u?
11/11/2006 17:37:58 Emily Harry may go to my dads
11/11/2006 17:39:06 Emily Harry mayb have some friends over and then theres the xmas party at work
11/11/2006 17:40:06 Emily Harry don't you get a xmas party at school or something?
11/11/2006 17:40:48 Harry Emily nope
11/11/2006 17:41:05 Emily Harry thats a bit mean!
11/11/2006 17:41:16 Harry Emily why should they give one?
11/11/2006 17:41:54 Emily Harry cos obviously all the students have been working hard since september ;)
11/11/2006 17:43:20 Emily Harry have i upset you?
11/11/2006 17:44:52 Harry Emily ....
11/11/2006 17:44:53 Harry Emily no
11/11/2006 17:44:55 Harry Emily why?
11/11/2006 17:45:28 Emily Harry you just seem, well to me i'm probably wrong, annoyed when i message you
11/11/2006 17:45:49 Harry Emily message me?
11/11/2006 17:46:10 Emily Harry yeah when i msn you
11/11/2006 17:47:26 Harry Emily you mean taLk over msn
11/11/2006 17:47:27 Harry Emily no
11/11/2006 17:47:29 Harry Emily you dont
11/11/2006 17:47:36 Harry Emily or havnt should i say
11/11/2006 17:48:05 Emily Harry i just wondered thats all
11/11/2006 17:49:22 Emily Harry u just seem a bit down
11/11/2006 17:50:47 Harry Emily not at all
11/11/2006 17:50:55 Harry Emily well there you haver it
11/11/2006 17:51:07 Harry Emily i am not upset
11/11/2006 17:51:26 Emily Harry kk just checking is all
11/11/2006 17:51:31 Harry Emily kk
11/11/2006 17:51:54 Harry Emily so
11/11/2006 17:51:57 Harry Emily any guys on th scene
11/11/2006 17:51:59 Harry Emily ?
11/11/2006 17:52:15 Emily Harry no not really
11/11/2006 17:52:24 Emily Harry a bit depressing really
11/11/2006 17:52:29 Harry Emily nah not at all
11/11/2006 17:52:40 Harry Emily hoiw far have you gone with a guy btw?
11/11/2006 17:52:57 Emily Harry to be honest haven't been out with any
11/11/2006 17:53:14 Harry Emily no
11/11/2006 17:53:16 Harry Emily but how far
11/11/2006 17:53:32 Emily Harry nearly did but then he decided he was going to get back with his ex and get married cos he said he wasn't going to find anyone else
11/11/2006 17:53:52 Harry Emily anything
11/11/2006 17:53:53 Harry Emily ?
11/11/2006 17:53:54 Harry Emily you know
11/11/2006 17:53:55 Harry Emily bases
11/11/2006 17:54:08 Emily Harry thats so american *giggles*
11/11/2006 17:54:31 Emily Harry as i said haven't been out with any
11/11/2006 17:54:44 Harry Emily well that doesnt mean you havnt done anything
11/11/2006 17:54:47 Emily Harry and i don't make a habit of guys feeling me up with no commitment
11/11/2006 17:55:30 Emily Harry true
11/11/2006 17:55:49 Emily Harry am a good girl, well thats not strictly true
11/11/2006 17:56:03 Harry Emily go on
11/11/2006 17:56:08 Harry Emily have you sucked anyone off?
11/11/2006 17:56:14 Emily Harry no
11/11/2006 17:56:22 Harry Emily hehehe
11/11/2006 17:56:41 Emily Harry thanks for that, am completely put off dinner
11/11/2006 17:56:57 Harry Emily >O)
11/11/2006 17:57:02 Harry Emily ^o)
11/11/2006 17:57:06 Emily Harry what about you?
11/11/2006 17:57:14 Harry Emily i would never tell
11/11/2006 17:57:15 Emily Harry since we're getting personal
11/11/2006 17:57:23 Emily Harry but you'd expect me to
11/11/2006 17:57:28 Harry Emily indeed
11/11/2006 17:58:12 Emily Harry well then obviously you don't know me v well
11/11/2006 17:58:22 Harry Emily obviously ont
11/11/2006 17:58:55 Emily Harry well you can ask ? and then you'll know
11/11/2006 17:59:05 Harry Emily how far have you gone?
11/11/2006 17:59:18 Emily Harry have answered that
11/11/2006 17:59:21 Emily Harry next please
11/11/2006 17:59:26 Harry Emily no you havent
11/11/2006 17:59:30 Harry Emily say directly
11/11/2006 18:00:00 Emily Harry have not done anything with boys/girl/sheep or any other animal
11/11/2006 18:00:15 Harry Emily nothing?
11/11/2006 18:00:18 Harry Emily at all
11/11/2006 18:00:20 Harry Emily kiss?
11/11/2006 18:00:39 Emily Harry no, but can you blame me when theres so much fuckwittage out there
11/11/2006 18:00:53 Harry Emily fuckwittage
11/11/2006 18:00:55 Harry Emily mmmm
11/11/2006 18:01:05 Harry Emily nothign whatsoever?
11/11/2006 18:01:08 Harry Emily wow
11/11/2006 18:01:16 Emily Harry you don't know what fuckwittage is?
11/11/2006 18:01:24 Emily Harry "wow" what does that mean?
11/11/2006 18:01:45 Harry Emily world of wonder
11/11/2006 18:01:53 Harry Emily i can guess
11/11/2006 18:02:09 Emily Harry go on take a guess?
11/11/2006 18:02:26 Harry Emily fuckwits
11/11/2006 18:02:27 Harry Emily idiots
11/11/2006 18:03:45 Emily Harry basically men/boys who make out there interested then expect you to do all the running or (have experienced this personally) when they ask if you fancy them then when you say no they say the only reason they asked was because they knew you weren't going to ask
11/11/2006 18:04:13 Harry Emily well
11/11/2006 18:04:23 Harry Emily are you saying men should do all the running?
11/11/2006 18:04:27 Harry Emily ^o)
11/11/2006 18:04:50 Emily Harry no, but when the girl shows obvious interest and makes her intentions pretty clear he does nothing
11/11/2006 18:04:59 Emily Harry it should be a balance
11/11/2006 18:05:07 Harry Emily nah
11/11/2006 18:05:14 Harry Emily not with every relation ship
11/11/2006 18:05:28 Harry Emily usually when there is nothing in return means that he doesnt like her at all
11/11/2006 18:05:38 Emily Harry yeah it shd be otherwise you just end up resenting each other
11/11/2006 18:06:24 Emily Harry thats not strictly true. for example a friend of mine know perfectly well the guy likes her as he's said but won't get into a relationship as its too serious
11/11/2006 18:06:42 Harry Emily well
11/11/2006 18:06:43 Harry Emily yes
11/11/2006 18:06:48 Harry Emily but that doesnt happen all the time
11/11/2006 18:07:13 Harry Emily i know of one with me where she really fancies me, but i dont fancy her, but she doesnt shut up
11/11/2006 18:07:17 Harry Emily keeps texting and talking
11/11/2006 18:07:27 Harry Emily so i basically dont repond
11/11/2006 18:07:31 Harry Emily respond
11/11/2006 18:07:32 Harry Emily *
11/11/2006 18:07:39 Emily Harry you'd be surprised. have you ever read bridget jones diary
11/11/2006 18:07:53 Emily Harry well i hate it when ppl aren't direct.
11/11/2006 18:08:11 Emily Harry if a guy did that to me id be flattered and think it was really nice
11/11/2006 18:08:21 Harry Emily not all guys
11/11/2006 18:08:30 Harry Emily what if that guy was reaaaaaaly ugly
11/11/2006 18:08:34 Harry Emily and irritating
11/11/2006 18:09:02 Emily Harry i don't think you get ppl who are just ugly
11/11/2006 18:09:33 Harry Emily oooh yes
11/11/2006 18:09:40 Harry Emily there a people who are just plain ugly
11/11/2006 18:09:43 Emily Harry for eg you could have a really good looking guy but as soon as you started to get to know him you found he was horrible
11/11/2006 18:09:57 Emily Harry uglyiness is point of view
11/11/2006 18:10:09 Harry Emily im talking about physical appearance
11/11/2006 18:10:11 Emily Harry some ppl find tom cruise handsome while others think hes horrible
11/11/2006 18:10:32 Harry Emily if you didnt know who tom cruise was, and just saw a pic of him
11/11/2006 18:10:39 Harry Emily most ppl would think he was attractive
11/11/2006 18:10:49 Emily Harry but thats just a opinion
11/11/2006 18:11:01 Emily Harry i mean what is ugliness or attractiveness?
11/11/2006 18:11:11 Harry Emily ooooh
11/11/2006 18:11:14 Harry Emily dpont go into this
11/11/2006 18:11:16 Harry Emily !!!!
11/11/2006 18:11:20 Emily Harry its just want one person sees as attractive
11/11/2006 18:11:26 Emily Harry what, too deep for you?
11/11/2006 18:11:39 Harry Emily attractiveness is the confinement to the social and accepted norm
11/11/2006 18:11:57 Emily Harry i think sheep operate on the same lines
11/11/2006 18:11:59 Harry Emily uglyness, the lack or normaility
11/11/2006 18:12:21 Harry Emily oh and whats the attractive norm for a sheep?
11/11/2006 18:12:53 Emily Harry i mean sheep operate on following each other and never stray from the crowd by doing something different
11/11/2006 18:12:59 Emily Harry and some ppl are the same
11/11/2006 18:13:03 Harry Emily well
11/11/2006 18:13:16 Harry Emily im afraid its just a fact of nature, that people want to be on the accepted norm
11/11/2006 18:13:18 Harry Emily i mean
11/11/2006 18:13:22 Harry Emily you have a nirmal face
11/11/2006 18:13:27 Harry Emily but think about it
11/11/2006 18:13:45 Harry Emily it you had the elephant man, going just on looks, who would you choose?
11/11/2006 18:14:28 Harry Emily oor do you think that you are sufficiently not like a sheep to find him attractive
11/11/2006 18:15:28 Emily Harry i think i'm going leave this conversation before i say something i will regret. obviously it was ridiculous thinking i could have a conversation with you
11/11/2006 18:15:39 Harry Emily what?
11/11/2006 18:15:46 Harry Emily what the hell are you on about?
11/11/2006 18:15:49 Harry Emily too deep for you?
11/11/2006 18:16:04 Emily Harry what you said above
11/11/2006 18:16:29 Emily Harry saying i had an animal face
11/11/2006 18:16:30 Harry Emily which part?
11/11/2006 18:16:41 Harry Emily hahahaha
11/11/2006 18:16:42 Harry Emily nonono
11/11/2006 18:16:43 Harry Emily silly
11/11/2006 18:16:47 Harry Emily normal
11/11/2006 18:17:18 Harry Emily look
11/11/2006 18:17:20 Emily Harry what about the bit when you said a certain girl kept txting and messaging
11/11/2006 18:17:29 Harry Emily what about that?
11/11/2006 18:17:45 Harry Emily and its talking ove rmsn btw
11/11/2006 18:18:01 Harry Emily but thats me being pernicity
11/11/2006 18:18:01 Emily Harry its kind of obvious who you were talking about
11/11/2006 18:18:07 Harry Emily oh
11/11/2006 18:18:14 Harry Emily you think i was talking about you
11/11/2006 18:18:38 Harry Emily emily you do worry sometime
11/11/2006 18:18:44 Harry Emily i have replied to you
11/11/2006 18:18:49 Harry Emily sometimes*
11/11/2006 18:19:05 Emily Harry well lets think i txted you saying happy birthday and u didn't bother to txt back
11/11/2006 18:19:21 Emily Harry then i suggested the cinema and nothing
11/11/2006 18:19:31 Emily Harry i nudged you on msn and nothing
11/11/2006 18:19:59 Harry Emily oh bloody hell
11/11/2006 18:20:04 Harry Emily men never reply
11/11/2006 18:20:05 Harry Emily !!!!
11/11/2006 18:20:18 Harry Emily well they do
11/11/2006 18:20:20 Emily Harry thats not always true
11/11/2006 18:20:21 Harry Emily but irrationally
11/11/2006 18:20:58 Harry Emily well decide what you like
11/11/2006 18:21:07 Emily Harry you could have at least replied it would have been reply
11/11/2006 18:21:27 Emily Harry i always reply to my txts unless i've had no credit or phone was offf
11/11/2006 18:21:34 Harry Emily you may well do
11/11/2006 18:21:37 Harry Emily but i dont im afraid
11/11/2006 18:21:48 Emily Harry i can know that
11/11/2006 18:22:39 Emily Harry im going to go otherwise ill be put off all men forever
11/11/2006 18:22:51 Harry Emily right

Hey

2006-08-23T20:00:47Z

Have had a crap day today, not just because of the fucking weather, where the hell has summer gone. Personally I blame Bush for this! Have really bad PMT and having driving everyone mad. I get really angry and nasty and then spend about an hour crying. Hopefully it'll calm down or I'll lock myself in my room untill I've calmed down.
I have decided and this probably a dumb idea but I'm going send Tom another email asking whether he minds me emailing him and other stuff. Ref's gone off radar so I can't ask her, hope she's okay after the accident.

Hopefully tomorrow will get better otherwise they'll be nothing else for it but for me to seduce a millionaire and move to LA.